


and this is not our fate

by allpowerfullou



Category: Free!
Genre: Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Non-Traditional Soulmate, Plot Twists, Slice of Life, SouHaru, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, Time Skips, potential NOTP, rinharu - Freeform, some souharu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-20 19:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4800065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allpowerfullou/pseuds/allpowerfullou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a moment you'll never remember

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so this is rinharu, but there are chapters will souharu smut/relationship, potential for a very small little look at sourin but if you blink you'll miss it, and it's basically rinharu. that's the goal. 
> 
> i've never written a free! fic before and thanks to amber for holding my hand (90% sure she's the only one who'll read this) but yeah she beta'd too like as far as facts go plus my grammatical fuck ups and honestly i was an english major for a semester what the fuck??? anything else wrong with it is bc i'm a dumbass so yeah

Nerves filled his body, almost like an electric current buzzing through a live wire, unable to stop unless they turned off the power completely, keeping him on edge as he sat on the bleachers and watched the other kids swim and laugh. With a careful eye, he took each one of them in, sizing them up. It was like a mental checklist, scanning each and every detail he could see, even delving a little deeper. He wanted to know everything, all the way down to the blood type of each student. With a nervous air to him, he thrummed his fingers along the wooden bench he was sitting on, enjoying the small air of monotony about it. Right off the bat, there were a few he could immediately cross off the list, knowing right away that their numbers were too high; they had much more time than he did. 

He had begged his mom not to make him come today, insisting he was sick while shoving a finger down his throat in the bathroom. With the nerves and nausea in his system, it was easy to get sick, tears racing down his face as he upheaved a little more. But her patience was never ending and she smiled gently, leaning against the doorframe, doing that weird mom thing that somehow always made him give up, give in and do whatever she told him. There was guilt etched into his pale, thin face as he walked out, apologizing with his eyes for being so brash, rude almost, but still begging her to just let him stay home. Regardless of what he wanted, she nudged him out the door, insisting he was just nervous about meeting new people. She didn’t seem to know about the numbers on his wrist, signalling the premature meeting of his so-called soulmate. 

How was she supposed to help him with she couldn’t even understand the problem? He had shoved his wrist in her face, words sharp and voice low as he struggled to get her to understand. The clock was new to their generation, a near foreign concept to everyone’s parents, making it that much harder to explain. 

Regardless, he didn’t want to know. 

The black numbers on the screen continued to count down, five minutes remaining, and his stomach churning. There was nothing left in his stomach after that morning, making the sick feeling almost worst. He honestly started to worry that stomach acid would eat through the lining of his stomach, gnaw through him identical to the way his numbers seemed to eat him alive. The very sight of the simple black digits made Haru groan, tugging his sleeve down as he places his palms on both sides of his hips. Anything that kept his mind off the time.

He tilted his head back, eyes shutting with a sigh. It wasn’t much, but it was something, an attempt to regain control over his body. He willed his heart to slow down, encouraged his stomach to stop rolling like an ocean storm. Like a sick, fucked up dream, it was almost too much to watch, his young mind spinning with what it would be like. He was eleven, love was a far and foreign concept to him. And he had never even been interested in knowing who his soulmate could possibly be. It sounded like a lot more effort than it was worth, but his body disagreed. Mentally, he felt a lot older than eleven, clear headed for the most part, able to cope with anything life gave him, but this was different. 

He suddenly grew nervous about his outfit, the loose jeans that had his swimsuit beneath them, the way his hair was unkempt and wavy, black strands moving and laying however they pleased, because he had no one to impress. Even before he left the house, he didn’t consider his outfit, the effect it could have on the person he was supposed to meet. He wasn’t even sure if he liked boys or girls yet, but there he was with cotton mouth and a knot in his stomach. Opening his eyes and sitting up a little more, he focused on the light reflecting off the pool in shimmers because that was one of the only things that seemed to sedate him.

With a long, drawn out, over dramatic sigh, he decided to focus on the people in the water instead as they glided effortlessly through the large expanse of clear liquid as if they were made to be there. There was sense of longing that made him want to be there too, hiding from his problems in the bottom of the pool. Just the thought of swimming, cutting through surface as if he were the only thing that mattered made his heart slow down and body begin to relax. The water was his safety net, his one place of comfort and solitude, yet it was apparently going to be his demise. 

His crystalline blue eyes flickered down to his wrist, three minutes and fourteen seconds. 

As soon as he walked into the building, his eyes blotchy from crying and face gaunt, Coach Sasabe sent him to sit on the bleachers. mumbling about parents leaving him with sick children. He tried again with Sasabe, insisting that he should be sent home immediately, but the older man scoffed, waving him towards the bleachers.

A small hand softly touched his back, causing him to jerk and look at his wrist, before narrowing his eyes and looking at the culprit.

“You looked lonely, so I thought I’d keep you company for a few minutes,” Makoto said with a large smile on his face. 

Haru groaned, but he couldn’t be too upset with his friend. Makoto was such a mom, it almost hurt, but he was silently thankful, sucking his lower lip between his teeth and sliding a little closer. He was definitely lonely and scared, and if he couldn’t be in the water, the least he could do was attach himself to his best friend’s side.

“One minute and forty-seven seconds,” he said as his eyes locked on the door.

Makoto grabbed his arm, tugging the sleeve up to see for himself before also looking at the door. A dry laugh worked out of Haru’s throat, causing his brunet friend to look up at him with a curious smile. 

“It looks like we have some huge secret planned,” Haru explained, nodding towards the way they were pressed together, gazes switching between his wrist and the doors. 

It was easy with Makoto; relaxing, breathing. The other boy’s laugh was soft, almost soothing. It wrapped around Haru, reminding him of a waterfall hitting rocks at the bottom, almost infinite in its beauty. Just the sound eased some of the stress off the elder, and he couldn’t help but to laugh along.

“We have a few new kids supposed to join us today, so it could always be one of them. Let’s just hope they like swimming as much as you,” his voice was reassuring as if he was completely capable of handling meeting his soulmate at eleven because that was totally normal. The brunet threw an arm around his friend’s shoulder 

Sometimes, he wished Makoto could have been his soulmate, and he briefly considered it, but their numbers didn’t line up. The other boy had twelve years, two hundred and fourteen days, seven hours, and thirty seconds before he was destined to meet his soulmate, so why was Haru so young? A sigh fell from his parted lips, and he rested his head on the other boy’s damp shoulder.

“Haru, you have forty-five seconds left, are you ready?” the excitement was clear in his friend’s voice as he leaned forward to stare at the door. 

“No,” he retorted, his voice soft, albeit void of emotion as he steeled himself for the worst.

Rejection, failure, complete and utter embarrassment, maybe some more vomit.

He ran his nervous palms against his pants, trying to calm himself down so he wouldn’t meet his soulmate looking like he was about to die, but his adrenaline had spiked, leaving his body a shaking, sweating mess. His heartbeat was clear in his ears, and it was like being underwater but without the safety it usually provided. Nervously, he sat up, straightening his back and lifting his chin. The feeling of bile climbing his throat made his skin crawl, but he pushed through anyway.

Ten seconds.

“I don’t think I can do this, Makoto,” he spat, grabbing his friend’s arm as he began to feel light headed.

Haru was eleven, he didn’t need to meet his soulmate at eleven. He had never even kissed anyone. His eyes went fuzzy, breathing rapid as he began to send himself into some sort of anxiety attack. There was really no going back.

“Hey, are you okay?” a voice from behind him asked, before he felt a body sit on the opposite side of him.

Haru glanced up to see dripping red hair and a toothy smile.

“You looked sick, so I asked Coach Sasabe about you, and then I brought you some water. I’m Rin, by the way, Rin Matsuoka.”

The numbers on his wrist froze, every digit stopping on zero.


	2. a night you'll never forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their relationship was like that, a gentle push and pull, each one going a little further until someone--usually Haru--had to put a stop to it. It was hard sometimes, knowing the person who he was destined to be with wasn't his perfect match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so my brain is a confusing place and I did edit this thing a little just to make it a little easier to grasp (I've never done rh or a series before so I'm trying omg) also please read this? for your benefit? 
> 
> **so so so quick note when i posted this, i didn't double check what i posted, so like 50/60 of you (if you made it that far) saw what i was going to use for the next chapter. i'm actually so embarrassed, i could throw myself off a cliff. if we could just pretend that i'm an idiot and not talk about it that'd be great. if you did see it, let's pretend you didn't, i'll have to change some things and pay more attention next time. i'm really sorry that i'm fucking up. 
> 
> in other news i've noticed in some spots my word choice isn't the best, so i did go back (even in the last chapter and grab one or two words and fix them up) but this chapter there's an age jump, all of them are in college now~ (as you can see from my little message) and haru is a older by like a few months in this fic so I describe him as the elder a few times but I did go back a fix it some more so it's less overwhelming! if y'all see anything else please do let me know I really just want to make this a great story so suggestions and stuff are super appreciated!! 
> 
> (i am having it beta'd i swear, so please don't be upset that it's a little rough. i'm so sorry, and i'm really trying to get my shit together omg)

(Ten years in the future.)

The wind gently shook the tree branches overhead, causing small waves of leaves to come crashing around him as he walked across campus. Birds were singing in the distance, giving the entire scene an almost movie-like feeling. The student body was slowly waking up, moving across the campus in various states of dress and consciousness, bringing a small smile to Haru’s lips. 

It’d been another sleepless night, almost painful, but he put the time to good use. Sleep was something he was losing contact with, each night it being harder and harder to find, but he didn’t mind too much, it gave him time to finish his growing workload. The constant stream of essays and lecture notes to study were enough to keep his mind from wandering to the dark side of his brain; the things that he shoved into a box and promised to not touch again. 

He managed to make it to his class with time to spare, walking into the near empty classroom with a soft sigh. His nine am was his least favorite class without a doubt. The topic was boring at best and the other students...they weren’t ideal. Haru wasn’t the most studious guy, preferring to be in his mind rather than focusing on the words that tumbled from the professor's mouth, but this class in particular made his mind the worst place to be. 

“Haru!” an excited voice grabbed his attention, his gaze shifting up to look at the tendrils of red hair walking towards him. 

It was hard to fight the way his heart sped up, cheeks already tinting a cute shade of pink while he somehow managed to keep his face impassive. 

“Hey, Rin,” he tossed back, moving his things over so his friend could sit beside him with a soft thud. 

He was shimmering, the morning sun beaming through the window, catching on the droplets of water still clinging to red strands, making Haru quirk his eyebrows in a silent question. 

Rin’s face contorted briefly, confusion crossing over sculpted features before reaching a large hand up to touch his hair. Immediately his face softened, a quiet chuckle bubbling out as he ran his fingers down the strands of his hair, gathering some of the leftover water in his hand. 

“Oh, we had an early morning swim meet,” he shrugged it off like it was nothing, his soft smile changing to a teasing smirk as he rubbed his hair between his index finger and thumb. “I’m telling you, Haru, the team would love to have you. I don’t know why you quit swimming in the first place. You were almost as good as I am.” 

Haru bit his tongue, trying to resist his obvious retort. It was exactly what the other wanted, and he wasn’t going to give in to it. But the knowing smile on Rin’s face made him click his tongue, turning towards the younger a little more.

“I can’t join the team, because you’ll throw a fit when I beat you even without all that practice,” Rin’s jaw dropped, slightly affronted before it was quickly replaced with a toothy grin. 

“Why don’t you prove it then?” Haru had to take a deep breath to stop from giving into the other man, his eyes gleaming with obvious interest but he shook his head no.

Rin scoffed, clearly displeased with the answer as he turned back to his stuff, getting ready for class. 

Their relationship was like that, a gentle push and pull, each one going a little further until someone--usually Haru--had to put a stop to it. It was hard sometimes, knowing the person who he was destined to be with wasn’t his perfect match. Rin had time left on his wrist, the numbers partially hidden by the sleeve of his sweatshirt, but Haru could still see them. The digits were flickering, each second passing was another step closer to the man’s unquestionable happiness. 

It made a twinge of something inch into Haru’s chest, his eyes slipping down to his own wrist. Even with the sleeve and bracelets beneath, he could still see the frozen digits. If it were an old clock, it would’ve already collected dust and cobwebs, a showcase of it’s life and how long it’d been presented for everyone to see. Just the thought of the plastic-like substance beneath his skin, frozen in time made him a little sick, unable to completely cope with the way his life fucked him over. 

“If you keep that up, you’re face is going match my hair,” Rin was grinning at Haru, the teasing tone rubbing the black haired man the wrong way as he narrowed his eyes at his friend, his cheeks no doubt getting a little redder. 

“Shut up,” Haru seethed, looking away at the other as the professor walked into the room, seven minutes late. 

He sighed, thankful for the mind numbing lecture the man was about to embark on. Haru flipped open his notebook, pressing his pen to the paper to scribble down notes, hoping he would look more invested than he actually was. 

The cover was very appreciated, allowing the black haired man to sneak more than a few glances in Rin’s direction, noticing the way he would tilt his head in confusion yet jot it down regardless. It was endearing to watch, and it made Haru’s chest swirl with adoration. His feelings thrumming beneath the surface of his skin, ebbing with his pulse like his body was made of an ocean. The current pushing further towards the white sandy beach, threatening to go too far out before sinking back into safety. 

It was never uncommon for Haru to leave his lectures feeling like he didn’t absorb a single thing. The only thing he could truly remember was the way Rin’s muscles shifted beneath his thin sweatshirt as he readjusted himself or went to grab something from his backpack. It was hypnotizing how skin and muscle could be so alluring even when hidden from sight. There were a few reasons for Haru giving up on swimming, or at least swimming on a team, but a half naked Rin was definitely one of them. It was too much of a slap in the face, the constant reminder of what should have been his. He just couldn’t stomach it.

When class was dismissed, Haru wasted no time in gathering his things and making a break for the door. His lack of sleep was finally catching up to him, and if he moved fast enough he knew he’d be able to slip in an hour nap before he had to get ready for his next class. 

“Hey, Haru, are you busy?” the elder internally groaned, feeling long fingers wrap around his wrist to catch his attention. 

He flinched, jerking the arm out of the other’s grip before turning to give him a sheepish smile. Rin’s face was calm but concern was darkening the edges, lips poised just so that made Haru want to lean in and just kiss him. 

“Um, I was actually going to go back to my dorm and take a quick nap,” he offered, suddenly embarrassed after voicing it out loud.

Rin’s laugh was boisterous, catching the attention of the last few students clearing the room, “That’s stupid, you just woke up. Come on, let’s get breakfast. I’m hungry, and you don’t hang out with me anymore. It’s like you were trying to quit our friendship when you quit swimming.” He smirked wrapping an arm around Haru’s shoulder, tugging him close to his side. “I’m not letting you go that easily, Haru. I thought you would know that by now.”

The contact had Haru’s skin thrumming as he tried to shrink away to no avail. He was still in shape, but it was nothing compared to Rin, who seemed to be in his prime.

“If you’re forcing me away from my nap for food, you’re paying.”

The other hummed in agreement, squeezing Haru’s shoulders a little tighter as he led him out into the hallway. Haru laughed softly to himself, noticing how Rin handled him like he would flee at any minute. 

“I’m not going to run off,” Haru gave him a push, snickering at the way the redhead stumbled before catching himself. 

It was an amends of sorts, the unspoken agreement that it wouldn’t get weird. 

Rin knew about the numbers on Haru’s wrist, he asked moments after meeting him why they were already at zero. The other swallowed thickly, looking at Makoto in desperation as the other gave his arm a reassuring squeeze before heading back to the pool, leaving them alone. It was hard to explain, mostly hand gestures and grunts before he gave up, coming right out with it. 

Instead of laughing straight in his face like Haru expected, the boy gave him a small smile and then a hug. Sealing them in some sort of friendship limbo which Haru frequently thought was his own personal hell. 

But Rin was too perfect to let go, and Haru always wanted more more more. He took everything he was given in stride, hoping that if he held tight enough the other wouldn’t slip from his fingertips but with every glance to his wrist, Haru knew it was inevitable. 

They weren’t meant to be. He was the sick experiment destined to never have a soulmate. 

“--little cafe down on this side street. They make the best breakfast, but I go there alone so much I have to make sure I bring someone with me every now and then,” Rin was talking as if Haru had been listening the entire time, and the elder went along with it, nodding and offering a hum in response. 

Rin smirked, Haru could practically feel it, yet didn’t say anything. Thankfully. 

It was a comfortable silence, each one of them engulfed in their own thoughts, not bothering with the formality of small talk. Haru knew where they were going, he’d actually been a few times with Makoto, but he wasn’t going to spoil the surprise. Not when Rin was paying and seemed so excited. 

They stayed close together, working through the growing crowd as they managed to slip into the small restaurant finding a spot by the large window that overlooked the street.

The city was bustling as more people woke up and went out to explore. Haru’s eyes drawn to the seas of people passing before the window, more than content to simply watch. Rin seemed to pick up on that, a smile on his face as he ordered them both drinks. But the elder was too distracted by the waves of people carrying on with their day to day lives. There were younger couples with linked arms, gushing about this or that, while the older couples held hands and seemed content to bask in the silence that had fallen over them, something that seemed to only happen with time and love. It was rare to find just one person walking alone through this particular part of town, especially during the school day when relationships seemed so prevalent, almost mandatory. 

It was like a stigma placed on a single person, as if they were too impure or bad to earn their true love or fairy tail. Even adults without the timer would go out with their lovers and have a date day of sorts while the younger crowd traveled in packs, shopping and parading around the area with excitement. 

Personally, he thought it was overrated--the constant need for companionship--and more often than not continued on his journeys through the city alone, watching how the people interacted with one another in these large bursts of love. It was all in hope that he would be able to catch a glimpse of their arms, scan the numbers on couples to see if they lined up or if it was more of a fling. True love was assumed to come along with finding someone’s soulmate, and it was rare to see anyone in the younger generation staying with someone after meeting his or her soulmate. The very thought of it left a heavy feeling on Haru’s heart as he glanced up to see Rin watching out the window alongside of him. 

Plenty of people had asked if they were together, especially when they went places just to sit, and it was hard to come out and tell them no. To tell them that Haru was one person who wouldn’t get the chance to be with his soulmate. 

It was always weird to him how people could date when they knew that they weren’t with their soulmate. Their numbers were still ticking down while they walked with their hands intertwined, large grins on their faces as if they had nothing to worry about. It was really uncommon for someone to realize that they had met their soulmate after their first meeting, usually the numbers synced up perfect. Two flawless sets of numbers in the world to match up a couple destined to be together. It was supposed to make a perfect society, but Haru truly thought it was one of the ugliest things that could have happened.

“You’re quieter than usual, Haru,” it was a question, Rin’s tone clear as he picked up his mug of warm liquid and brought it to his lips. 

“You’ve known me so long I have nothing left to say,” he responded, mimicking Rin’s movement as he picked up his matching blue mug. 

The tea was hot as it slid down his throat, filling his belly with a pleasant heat that spread to all of his limbs. Being inside the small space, there was really no need for Haru to have his jacket on anymore, but he only tugged the material closer, using it to hide himself from the person he wanted the most. 

“Hey, Haru, I have a question,” Haru’s gaze slowly moved from where he was looking out the window once more to look at Rin.

“What’s up?” 

“Why do you always wear long sleeves? You didn’t do this last year,” Rin reached forward to tug on the sleeve of the other’s jacket, cocking his head in interest. 

“I think I’m sick. I’ve been cold a lot lately. It’s nothing,” Haru was used to the question, brushing it off with ease. The lie was practiced, ready at the blink of an eye for whomever was prying. 

“So, it doesn’t have to do with the numbers?” the blunt question had Haru’s mind recoiling.

“Rin, we’ve talked about this. I’m not worried about it. Why would I even be ashamed of them? It’s not like they’re going anywhere,” the last part left a foul taste on his tongue as Haru’s heart picked up rhythm, instinctively pulling his hand away from the table. Rin caught the movement, a small smile on his lips that spread up to his eyes. 

“That’s why I asked,” he nodded towards Haru’s partially hidden hand, sipping from his tea as he waited for an explanation which wasn’t going to come. Sitting his cup down with a brief sigh, he reached out to grab the elder’s hand, flipping it over and pushing Haru’s sleeve back. “Stop playing coy, Haru. What are you hiding?”

 


	3. all you sinners stand up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But the way the other fucked up into him, biting his lip to hold back a guttural groan, had him forgetting anything on his mind; washing away the shards of doubt that were imprisoned in his skin like an salt water bath cleanses imperfections."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a piece of shit and i've changed my plot like seven times and i'm so sorry if this has changed in a way that you didn't plan for but i promise this is still a rinharu fic!

Rin knew about his numbers, the way they froze when Haru saw his face, but he had failed to keep Rin in the loop when it came to the line of zeros in his skin. The redhead could sense the anxiety that constantly seemed to thrum through Haru’s body, but he never got the chance to dig deeper. Haru never hesitated to drop the conversation in favor for something different, opting to discuss the weather or upcoming swim season rather than admit that the numbers had been enough to send him through a swirling tsunami of depression.

He’d battled it long enough to know how to handle it, avoidance and feigning ignorance did wonders for those who asked only because they felt obligated, but Rin wasn’t one of those people. He asked because he cared, and that made it so much harder, especially when Haru lied to his face. 

Very few people knew about the scars along his skin, each one a memory that Haru wished he could forget forever, along with the evidence that would never completely fade. It was easier to place the cuts and scars in more intimate places, ones that hopefully no one would see for a very long time. But after years of marks travelling along his legs, the core of his problems became more noticeable, the small fleshy piece of plastic teasing him in the worst way, until he lost all self control. 

The warm tea that had filled Haru’s belly lurched at the feeling of Rin’s calloused fingers tracing the inside of his wrist, making each one of his well placed bracelets move just enough for him to see the puckered, white skin that the thin bands hid. His eyes were wide, body stiff as he focused on the movement of the younger’s thumb across his skin. 

“Rin, now isn’t the time for this. I’ve got to go” he stood up, pulling his hand away before sucking his lower lip between his teeth as he looked around to make sure he had his stuff. 

“You can’t keep avoiding this. I’m not some random guy, Haru. I’m Rin, I’m your best friend. If you have a problem, you should be able to tell me!” the taller man mimicked his friend’s actions, reaching forward to grab Haru’s arm again which the other just barely managed to pull out of Rin’s reach. 

He wanted to give up the act, scream out that all of his problems were because of the man before him. It was so frustrating and his mind was a blur of panic, he wasn’t even sure how long Rin had noticed the change, but he felt so vulnerable.

It was going to take something major to realign the feeling in his body that seemed to rock him from the inside out. Something that could knock him out of his mental pit of despair and force him back into his real life. He took a moment to make a mental note to call Makoto later, maybe even stop at his apartment and tell him everything. He was already so involved in Haru’s mental warfare, he’d probably be terrified if Haru didn’t disrupt him to lament about his life. 

“I know. I know you’re my best friend, and I really love you, man. But some things are just really confusing, and I just don’t want to talk to you about them because it will only make it worse. Trust me, when I figure my shit out, I’ll tell you everything, but I can’t do that yet,” he bowed a few times in apology as he darted from the building, trying desperately to blend in with the sea of people outside, but it was useless, he could feel Rin’s eyes on him until he rounded the corner. 

Guilt gnawed away at his insides as he tugged out his phone, dialing a number he knew by heart and pressing it to his ear as he darted back towards campus. His heart was beating loud in his ears as the phone rang slowly, as if he were moving faster than time itself, but he knew that wasn’t true. It was just the anxiety creeping through his system, making him feel like shit for abandoning his best friend just because he couldn’t cope with his emotions. 

Rin would understand though, despite his quick temper, he knew Haru was struggling to sort through his cluttered brain in a desperate attempt to save himself from sinking in the stress that was his life. 

When the person picked up, this voice thick with sleep, Haru wasted no time in cutting off his sleepy hello, “Sousuke, hey, it’s me. I’m on my way over, so go ahead and unlock your door.”

“Miss my dick that much?” he chuckled softly, his gruff voice making Haru’s stomach flip. In the background he could hear the man slowly start to move, bed creaking in protest. 

He stayed quiet, nothing but his breathing and the loud sounds of the other man moving around the room--most likely unlocking the door and getting ready for Haru’s visit--to fill his head. 

“Haru? Are you still there?” the teasing edge had left the other’s voice, and Haru nodded before remembering the phone to his ear. 

“Yeah, it’s just been a weird day. Don’t go and get all sappy on me, save that for Rin or something,” he retorted, hoping to snap Sousuke out of his sentimental bullshit and into the headspace to fuck Haru until he limps.

“Fine, just let yourself in when you’re here. I’m going back to bed,” was the very Sousuke reply that Haru craved during his time of near panic. 

They weren’t really friends, hell, if it didn’t involve sex they didn’t really talk, but it was okay. The man was blunt and calloused, and his personality was strong enough to handle anything anyone could throw at him. But a little deeper, he was more than the arrogant asshole everyone pegged him for instead there was actually a really sweet person buried beneath muscle and attitude. 

There were moments between the sex and physical aspect where Haru had sat back to think about what his life would’ve been like if he met Sousuke before Rin. It almost felt like settling, the way he curled up against hot skin and pressed kisses along his collarbone, leaving small blotches of red. Red that left him thinking about sharp eyes and deep red hair. Red that had him thinking about his cheeks heating up when the other caught him staring during a class. It was almost pathetic, the way he felt when he thought about his feelings that thrummed through his body with each beat of his heart. 

He fought them with every fiber of his being, the last thing he wanted to be was one of the statistics that met their soulmate and immediately fell head over heels, but the younger made it so fucking hard not to. Which is why he picked up his pace, finding himself standing outside of Rin’s best friend’s apartment and wondering if there was a line he crossed, and how long ago he left it behind him.

Sousuke wasted no time in pushing Haru into his mattress, taking one look at the bag under his eyes and pulling him into his bed. Clothes were strewn across the room as Haru rolled them over with a surprising amount of strength, straddling the other’s hips with one hand resting on his chest. He was breathing heavily, eyes surprisingly hard, as if he was fighting with something inside his own head that the blonde couldn’t quite grasp. Sousuke brought his hands up to rest on Haru’s hips, thumbs rubbing small circles in his skin as he waited patiently for Haru to move.

There was a time and place for him to be rough, throwing the smaller man around like he was nothing, but there were other times that Sousuke could feel something was off, and he let Haru taking the lead, asking for what he wanted through kisses and touches. 

Haru slowly bent forward, his free hand coming up to tangle in Sousuke’s hair as he offered a few chaste kisses, slowly warming up to something more. The other wanted to groan, he wanted Haru to hurry the fuck up and sink down on his cock, but he could feel the way Haru moved like a wave during a storm. Here and there, the moment he seemed like he was calming down, something in his head would cause his body to flee from any touch. It wasn’t easy to tolerate, Sousuke was only so patient, but he couldn’t bring himself to offer any snide remarks when the dark haired man looked so shaken up. 

“Haru,” his voice was deep and low, the word fading off into a small gasp as the man in question ventured down his neck and kissed along his shoulders. “You’re so soft today, what’s gotten into you?”

He nipped at Sousuke’s shoulder in response, not bothering with words. It brought a grin to his face, maybe even a little weight was taken off his chest, not that he would admit it to anyone. 

But they seemed to just physically click, and it was in no time that Haru was sinking down on Sousuke’s cock with a hum deep in his throat. His head was tilted back, eyes shut as he inhaled through his nose. Large hands were splayed across his thighs brushing over lines of raised flesh and grounding Haru in a way he couldn’t possible imagine, but he was eternally appreciative of.

He was thankful. Thankful for everything Sousuke did for him in the confines of his apartment, even if they barely spoke out in the real world. He knew if it weren’t for the other that he already would’ve spilled his feelings onto Rin in a great show of word vomit and clammy hands. 

Fucking Sousuke was an accident. In a fit of frustration and rage the year prior, he went banging on Rin and Sousuke’s shared dorm door, demanding his friend come talk to him. What greeted him was a lithe, shirtless body, pursed lips, and the steady hum of music in the background.

“S’not here,” he murmured, clearly not excited or impressed with a soaking wet, kind of tipsy Haru at the door.

He slinked back into the dorm, tossing a towel at Haru, “You going to come in? Pull the door shut behind you.” Without a second thought towards the other man, he sat back down on his bed, crossing his legs as he pulled his laptop onto his legs and effortlessly picked up where he left of. 

Haru stared for a moment, his unfocused gaze and muddy brain thinking about the possible outcomes of the situation. At that point in time, he really didn’t care for Sousuke, pretty bitter that he and Rin were so close, and it pissed him off that the other barely looked at him, only assuming he was there for redhead. On unsteady feet, he stepped into the room, pushing the door shut as he stripped off the shirt that was stuck to his body. It was humid and raining, the last few warm days dwindling away in a blur of sweat and end of summer parties. He tugged off his sweatshirt, dropping it on the floor with a wet thud as he toweled himself off, looking up to see Sousuke focusing an intense gaze on him.

It was fifteen minutes later that Haru’s back was pressed against the door, lips attached to his neck and sucking like Sousuke was trying to suck the anger and hurt right out of him. In a way, he wanted Rin to walk in on them as their hands fluttered across each other’s bodies, mapping out abs and muscles until their clothes were discarded and it was nothing but skin on skin. He didn’t. And Haru kept coming back. Each time his brain filled with spiteful--hateful even--thoughts as he let the bigger man use him like a sex toy.

But over time their relationship progressed, even forming a little intimate friendship that the couple didn’t bother to share with anyone. It was more physical than anything, and that was all they needed. Haru wasn’t quite sure if Rin even knew, which was shocking because he went out of his way to get caught in the first six months. 

Sousuke’s hand slid up his body, running along his ribcage before a calloused thumb brushed his nipple, causing Haru to let out a little shuddering gasp. When he quit the swim team, his body softened in a way that he recreational swimming couldn’t prevent, and it was almost a point of insecurity for him. Almost. But the way the other fucked up into him, biting his lip to hold back a guttural groan, had him forgetting anything on his mind; washing away the shards of doubt that were imprisoned in his skin like an salt water bath cleanses imperfections.

The pace was torturous, Haru bouncing on Sousuke’s cock with bitten off gasps as the other touched in the most obnoxious way. Everywhere his fingers were had Haru coming a bit further undone, meanwhile Sousuke looked completely in control, lifting his hips to meet Haru on every other bounce. His hips were strong enough to leave him hiccuping at the impact, despite the thrust being too slow for him to be completely satisfied. 

“Hurry up and fuck me like you mean it,” he hissed, grinding his hips in figure eights as he tried to keep control over the other. 

Sousuke rolled his eyes before switching their positions, Haru letting out a small whine as the latter's cock slips out of him. It’s moments later when he’s sinking down once more, his back to the other’s more solid chest as the man wraps his arms around his waist and fucks him. Hard. 

There wasn’t much he could do, save for gripping the bedsheets and moaning wantonly as the other fucked him without hesistation. Haru tipped his head back, letting his rest on broad shoulders as he gasped out little words of encouragement. There was nothing Sousuke loved more than having his ego stroked, and it lit a fire beneath him. His breathing was heavy as it fanned across the thinner man’s skin, sending tingles across his skin. 

Once against, his nerves were tingling, practically vibrating out of his skin, and this time it wasn’t out of nervousness. It was pure pleasure that had him doubling over, face in the mattress as Sousuke gripped his hips and fucked him so hard his head started to bump against the headboard. 

Haru came without being touched, his body falling limp as Sousuke’s grip on his hips held him up until he could reach his own orgasm. He collapsed on top of the smaller, pinning Haru’s body to the bed as he shut his eyes and hummed softly. This was his favorite part, and who was Haru to tell him no?

 

Sousuke was asleep when Haru slipped out of his apartment, leaving a sticky note on his forehead that wrote in messy scrawl “thanks. one day i might have to stay after and tell you why i showed up. today isn’t that day. -haru”

He chuckled at the melodramatic tone, already feeling so much lighter than he did before. All he needed was the opportunity to slip out of his mind for a few minutes with someone who wasn’t so involved in the situation. Sousuke didn’t care either way, and he’d never admit it, but he was really starting to grow attached to the other. Maybe he’d even ask the blonde to hang out with him one day outside of fucking, and maybe Hell would freeze over before opening up and swallowing him whole. But the world was weird, who even knew what was going to happen? 

Without even trying, Haru managed to find himself walking into his last class of the day, slipping in right before the professor and slinking up to his seat. He could feel Makoto’s eyes watching his every step, lips in a small smile as he waved a little. 

“You, Nanase Haruka, are late to your favorite class?” his voice was soft, playful, and they both knew why Haru was late. But it was nice being with Makoto. 

With Rin, he constantly felt like he needed to keep himself under control, almost monitor every single thing that happened between them. They were still best friends, but it wasn’t relaxed. It didn’t even feel natural on his side. And Sousuke could hardly be considered a friend, but he was interesting to say the least. Haru really wanted to dig a little deeper there, but at the same time, he wasn’t even sure if he should. That could make things so messy and complicated, and he was swooning over one, fucking the other, and it was just nice to have a completely platonic relationship with someone who didn’t expect anything from him.

“Don’t talk about it, and we can just pretend it didn’t happen,” he mock whispered, slipping into his seat and shrugging off his bag. 

“That’s what you think, but I’m pretty sure the professor won’t let you live it down,” and he had a point, he glanced down towards the front of the room, the small woman moving around to get all of the materials set up. The last thing Haru expected to enjoy was some random art class he needed to get all of the prerequisites out of the way, but he had a knack for it. 

She was an unorthodox teacher, instead of pushing art history she shoved oil colors and acrylic paints in their faces and told them to paint while she spoke. Whatever her words made them think of, she wanted them to brush it onto the canvas before them. At the end of the class, she gathered them all up and marked whatever they turned in as a participation grade. It was nice, relaxing even, and Haru found himself looking for to his Monday, Wednesday, Friday art history lecture. 

Of course, his brain strayed sometimes, and the soft reds that were supposed to symbolize the blood of all the fallen artists soon turned into soft shades of blue and green. His paint brush glided across the textured surface with long strokes that mimicked waves crawling up the surface of the beach, inching forward almost timidly before crawling back into the safety of the reef. Beautiful curls of water that were just as dangerous as they were awe-striking. And sometimes, a little splotch of red would be visible under the water, long limbs coming out before it developed into Rin moving beneath the salty waves, like a fish. 

Other days, it was Sousuke, but instead of under the water, he was coasting on top of the waves. Looking out over the water as if it all were his and only his. He would have a soft smile on his face, and his skin would be pulled in a simple smile. The teacher never asked what the paintings meant, but her smile was eerily soft and eyes knowing. 

He doubted she would say anything about him being late. 

His class ended all too soon, his painting wasn’t the usual red or blue, instead it was a soft yellow. Bright sunlight shining over the scene which just had Haru and Makoto, sitting together and laughing. Things simple and easy, together they had not a care in the world. And it was easy to forget the support that he had in his best friend, but Makoto had a subtle way of reminding him. 

It was nice to go home with Makoto that night, walking slowly and catching up. He’d been distracted in recent weeks, and it had been hard to completely stay in touch with his old friend. But now that they were together, it felt like Haru was just making his life unnecessarily hard. Things were so much simpler when he wasn’t stressed about this guy or that, but he knew it wasn’t completely uncalled for either. It was their society, the constant push to get with your soulmate, it fucked a person up. 

“Oh, Haru, I didn’t even mention, I think Rin might be getting scouted,” they were sitting side by side on the boardwalk, sitting on the ground and leaning forward against the rail that lined the edge of the street. 

“Seriously? By who?” 

“I don’t know, but at practice for the past few weeks, there have been these guys showing up, and they really only talk to him. He’s just as confused as the rest of us, but we all know he’s going to get scouted. I really thought he lost it when you quit though,” Makoto looked away from the scene before them and turned to look at Haru. He rested his forehead on the bar, eyes open as if he were trying to physically show Haru that his friend could tell him anything. 

“Yeah, I went to a few meets, and he really did look like he lost his drive. But I really hope he does get scouted, you know? He’s worked so hard on it for years, I can’t see him doing anything else,” Haru met his gaze, face sincere before turning to look back at the ebbing waves. 

“I think he’d lose his mind if he actually had to become a teacher. Like, why would he even pick that as a major?” the brunette laughed softly, shaking his head and watching Haru for a few more beats. He was starting to show his age, the lack of swimming leaving him with no outlet to vent his stress. Makoto knew it had to be hard on his friend, losing the one thing he held so dear to him, but it was a battle between his two loves. The entire situation seemed fictitious to Makoto who could only hold his friend’s hand and be there for support, as Haru struggled to find himself and his path in life. 

It was hard fighting against the crowd, going his own path rather than swimming in the same overcrowded stream. He needed to do his own thing to figure out how he was going to with his trainwreck of a life, and Makoto understood that. 

“What would you do if he did get scouted? You know he would have to leave, and regardless of the soulmate thing, he’s one of your best friends,” Makoto was right, as always, and Haru hummed softly, contemplating what he would do. He had never given it a lot of thought, but it was a little weird to imagine a life where Rin wasn’t always right there. 

“I don’t honestly know. But it’s not like I could say anything, he has to do this. It’s like his dream.”

“I know that, but you know he’s going to ask for your opinion, Haru. So, what are you going to tell him?”

Haru didn’t know what he was going to tell him. But the thought stayed in his head long after the conversation changed topics, even after they gave up and went their own ways once the day came to an end. He wasn’t even sure if Rin was getting scouted but even the thought had him nervous, and almost feeling unstable. What little sleep he was getting was gone, and he busied himself so he wouldn’t have to accept the fate that things might be changing.


	4. hallelujah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The crushing weight of reality was collapsing onto him, and instead of steeling himself up and charging headfirst into his problems, he was doing the complete opposite."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for this being so short and taking so long, but life is kinda killer rn
> 
> also please read the warnings guys!!! I've been trying to keep everything tagged properly!

Haru had never considered himself flaky, per say, but he definitely knew how to avoid people when he wasn’t quite ready to address the major topic at hand. The crushing weight of reality was collapsing onto him, and instead of steeling himself up and charging headfirst into his problems, he was doing the complete opposite. 

Rin had been scouted, offered the chance of a lifetime that he was going to take regardless of Haru’s opinions, and the last thing he needed was to own up to his pitiful feelings, swallow the bullet, and say goodbye to the man who he wasn’t sure he could live without.

Just the thought of losing his best friend made his gut churn, another wave of nausea building up, so Haru grit his teeth and focused harder on the assignment before him. Since hearing about the news from just about every single person he had ever spoken to, his work ethic had increased tenfold, and allowing Haru to shove himself body and soul into the work he was given.

It wouldn’t last forever, but it didn’t need to, all he needed was Rin to leave and he’d be back to himself. Or as much of himself as he could be with half of him leaving. Despite the fucking numbers imprinted on his wrist that gave him the false hope of being destined for his best friend, Rin was so much more than a potential suitor. Haru wasn’t even sure if he could consider Makoto a closer friend than Rin, despite the man knowing more than the other. 

He and the younger had a bond that almost seemed cosmic, the forces pulling them together when all things pushed them away. Or maybe Haru had been reading his horoscope way too often. 

As his mind slid deeper and deeper into that dark pit, the one where he stashed all of his feelings involving a tall, broad red head, his phone vibrated beside him on the desk, earning Haru a few pointed looks from the classmates around him. He didn’t even bother glancing at the fellow students, picking up the phone to see who was bothering him when he explicitly said that he didn’t want to be bothered. 

tmako: haru, you should meet me up on the roof in about twenty minutes? I’ll bring lunch.

Of course, Makoto worries so much, always trying to go out of his way to pull Haru out of himself and back into the real world. He considered sending back a snarky reply, but why bother? He was hungry anyway, and that’s how he justified it to himself as he began to shove his books into his bag. He didn’t even throw a courtesy glance at the teacher as he left the room, eyes downcast and mouth pursed in a tight line as he made a beeline for the door. 

The weather had cooled significantly in the past week, leaving Haru missing the warm sunny haze of the summer. He wasn’t ready to part with the smell of water and cut grass paired with the constant aroma of food cooking in the distance. As much as he loved the cool snow, he preferred overbearing heat and crystal clear water over everything else. 

At the top of the stairs, the rooftop door was perched open, a telltale sign of Makoto being a little too cautious. He tugged his jacket tighter and buttoned it up before heading out to join his friend. 

“Okay, before you run away, we have to talk Haru,” he wasn’t even completely through the door when he saw a tuft of a read and Rin’s face came into his field of vision. He was sitting cross legged with two lunchboxes that Makoto probably made for them to eat while they confronted their feelings or some romanticized bullshit.

He stopped in his tracks, his brain analyzing the situation and trying to decide if he should stay or go, sink or swim, fight or flight. As much as he wanted to sit down and talk, Haru knew there was no way it was going to end well. He was going to get the news firsthand that Rin was leaving, never coming back, and Haru would be forgotten over the years. Just another blurry face in a blurry memory. 

And that hurt more than anything else. Knowing that Rin would always be so much more to him than he was ever to Rin, and just that thought had him turning on his heel to walk away. But Rin was faster--he always was--and he was up grabbing onto Haru’s sleeve before he could make it down five steps. 

“Haru, we have to talk about this. You’re my best friend, if you can’t help me figure this out, who can?” 

“Rin, you’re an idiot. Just take the offer,” he threw back, tugging his arm free and continuing his descent.

He was pissed and mad and upset and he really was ready to go home and bury himself in some sort of activity to keep from dropping into that blue headspace of uneasiness and misery. And Rin just kept following him, babbling uselessly as if he were in a confessional, and actually had the right to pin this huge decision on Haru. To add fuel to the fire, Haru wanted to tell him to stay, to stay with him and let him make up for all the years of lost time. 

But Haru wasn’t going to slip that low, and he kept his tongue in cheek as he continued down the stairwell away from Rin and all the problems that followed. 

“Fuck, Haru, can you just talk to me for five minutes?” He hated himself for stopping, body freezing so quickly that Rin almost knocked him over when his chest collided with the other’s back. 

“Five minutes, let’s talk. Take the offer, go be successful, live your life. Anything I missed?” Haru could hear how pissed he sounded, the hurt in his belly bubbling up and out of his throat. He felt so betrayed and abandoned, and Rin still didn’t know why. 

“Haru, if you want me to go, then why are you acting like this? Why are you leaving me?”

“Why am I leaving you?” Haru spat, spinning around to face the other. They were chest to chest, belly to belly, and Haru was shaking with the intensity of his emotions. “I've followed you everywhere. Ever since the day we met, I have followed you everywhere, and you're asking me why I'm leaving you? I'd do anything for you, don't you fucking realize that? It's more than being your friend, Rin. I love you. Platonically, ironically, literally, I fucking love you. And if this is going to make you happy, then you have to go because I don't want anything more than your happiness.”

He didn't even realize he was crying until Rin brushed a tear away, his calloused thumb swiping across Haru's skin with ease. Haru didn't expect to spill his feelings, but he had to admit, the weight it took off his chest was amazing. 

But he couldn't stay. He said way too much, and once again his belly was churning with nerves and nausea, “You should go, Rin. It'll make you happier.”

\---

And later than night, when Haru laid in his bed, he knew that Rin was leaving. It was the look on his face, analytical and careful that gave way to the inevitable agreement from the taller man. Haru couldn't take his happiness away because of his own selfishness. But that didn't make the sting hurt any less, or his heart stop clenching. 

It was like the further he was from Rin, the harder it was for his heart to beat and air to fill his lungs. His eyes flickered down to his scarred wrist, and all he could see was disgust and self loathing. It'd been so long since he felt the need to reopen the wounds, but now it seemed like that was the best way to lure himself into some sort of restless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> be my friend [twitter](https://twitter.com/bangbooty)
> 
> the title's are all lines from Panic! at the Disco's "hallelujah" 
> 
> also a huge thanks to amber (who feeds me all of her head canons, helps me plot, betas, and lets me harass her all the time about this) and ely who is so sweet and supportive and helpful when it comes to editing and just being overall super nice bc i am fragile omg  
> also shout out to my weefe who hasnt even seen Free! and still tells me when my ideas sound super fucking dumb


End file.
